Floats Like a Butterfly Sting Like When I Pee Funny Quotes

Ronald Swanson, played by actor Nick Offerman is a fictional character appearing in the sitcom Parks and Recreation.

He is also seen to enjoy woodworking and food, especially meat. Ron is patriotic and is seen mocking countries that are not America.

According to Nick Offerman, he had some input in the creation of Ron Swanson, and some parts are directly inspired by himself. Ron is an anti-social and very private person and does not enjoy being in crowds, going as far as completely ignoring his meetings with his peers. He enjoys his dry sense of humor and often jokes about things and likes to keep a light atmosphere around himself. He is of old thoughts which shows why he doesn't trust technology or banks, causing him to save his money in the form of gold, which makes him sort of rich. You could also check out quotes about Ron Swanson.

For more related content take a look at 'Parks And Recreation' quotes and Leslie Knope quotes.

Funny Ron Swanson Quotes

Here are some 'Parks And Recreation' quotes from Ron Swanson. These are great examples of Ron Swanson's dry sense of humor.

1. "There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger."

— Ron Swanson.

2. "Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep."

— Ron Swanson.

3. "Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours."

— Ron Swanson.

4.  "You can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say."

— Ron Swanson.

5. "I've heavily invested in gold which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?"

— Ron Swanson.

6. "I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion."

— Ron Swanson.

7. "I won't be hiring an attorney. I'll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions."

— Ron Swanson.

8. "We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport."

— Ron Swanson.

9. "Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers."

— Ron Swanson.

10. "I am not a sore loser. It's just that I prefer to win and when I don't, I get furious."

— Ron Swanson.

11. "My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools."

— Ron Swanson.

12. "I change my locks every 16 days. That key's been useless since the 2nd Tuesday I gave it to you."

— Ron Swanson.

13. "Haha, 'Euro-trash,' I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent."

— Ron Swanson.

14. "I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible."

— Ron Swanson.

15. "Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons."

— Ron Swanson.

16. "One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it."

— Ron Swanson.

17. "I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food."

— Ron Swanson.

18. "A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on."

— Ron Swanson.

19. "America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other 'cultures,' use an atlas or a ham radio."

— Ron Swanson.

20. "Haircuts, there are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut."

— Ron Swanson.

21. "Is 'Star Wars' the one with the wizard boy?"

— Ron Swanson.

22. "History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake."

— Ron Swanson.

23. "Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.

Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games."

— Ron Swanson.

24. "I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men."

— Ron Swanson.

25. "Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."

— Ron Swanson.

26. "Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. "

— Ron Swanson.

27. "Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless."

— Ron Swanson.

28. "It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain."

— Ron Swanson.

29. "I prefer quality over flash, that's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive."

— Ron Swanson.

Anti-Social Ron Swanson Quotes

Some of the best quotes showing the anti-social side of Ron Swanson.

30. "I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition."

— Ron Swanson.

31. "Okay, time to head back to the office. I've missed an entire day of work, so at least some good came from this."

— Ron Swanson.

32. "The strong prey on the weak. Soon, one of you will be ridiculed mercilessly. Ah, nature."

— Ron Swanson.

33. "It is a beautiful night for the end of the world. Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line."

— Ron Swanson.

34. "You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple of months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head."

— Ron Swanson.

35. "Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be."

— Ron Swanson.

36. "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing is not that hard."

— Ron Swanson.

37. "Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon."

— Ron Swanson.

38. "I think if you would know one thing about me it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches."

— Ron Swanson.

39. "I am not interested in caring about people."

— Ron Swanson.

40. "I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours."

— Ron Swanson.

41. "This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package."

— Ron Swanson.

42. "I'll do anything! I'll watch a foreign film! I'll talk to a man with a ponytail!"

— Ron Swanson.

43. "Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye."

— Ron Swanson.

44. "Leslie: Ron will show you around.

Ron: Um, right this way is the exit."

— Ron Swanson.

45. "The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am."

— Ron Swanson.

46. "I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's program called Doc McStuffins."

— Ron Swanson.

47. "We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End Speech."

— Ron Swanson.

48. "The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."

— Ron Swanson.

49. "I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."

— Ron Swanson.

50. "Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places."

— Ron Swanson.

51. "Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."

— Ron Swanson.

52. "Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone."

— Ron Swanson.

53. "On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time."

— Ron Swanson.

54. "When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them."

— Ron Swanson.

55. "Another word for 'jokes' is 'lies'. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke."

— Ron Swanson.

56. "Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. End of commercial."

— Ron Swanson.

Inspirational Quotes By Ron Swanson

Quotes to get inspired and motivated from.

57. "Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness."

— Ron Swanson.

58. "Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It's art. Anything is anything."

— Ron Swanson.

59. "It's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it."

— Ron Swanson.

60.  "Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults."

— Ron Swanson.

61. "Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous."

— Ron Swanson.

62. "I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures."

— Ron Swanson.

63. "I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Lil Sebastian had passed."

— Ron Swanson.

64. "Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award."

— Ron Swanson.

65. "Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong."

— Ron Swanson.

66. "I said that you'll get a lot of job offers in your life but you only have one hometown."

— Ron Swanson.

67. "Don't start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness."

— Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson Quotes On Food

Food - the only thing capable of bring out Ron Swanson's human side. Let's see some great food quotes from him.

68.  "I do not like most of you. What I do like is breakfast food."

— Ron Swanson.

69. "Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something."

— Ron Swanson.

70.  "I can't think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs."

— Ron Swanson.

71. "There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."

— Ron Swanson.

72. "If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party."

— Ron Swanson.

73. "When I eat, it is the food that is scared."

— Ron Swanson.

74. "Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable."

— Ron Swanson.

75. "There has never been a sadness that can't been cured by breakfast food."

— Ron Swanson.

76. "Breakfast food can serve many purposes."

— Ron Swanson.

77. "Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?"

— Ron Swanson.

78. "There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk."

— Ron Swanson.

79. "Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing."

— Ron Swanson.

80. "I call this the turf 'n turf. It's a 16oz T-bone and a 24oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American."

— Ron Swanson.

81. "In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life."

— Ron Swanson.

82. "Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life."

— Ron Swanson.

83. "Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat."

— Ron Swanson.

84. "What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it? And can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?"

— Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson Quotes On Government

Ron Swanson government quotes that show his dismay for the government!

85. "Have you considered cutting the entire fire department? I have personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer."

— Ron Swanson.

86. "The most important government work I've ever done: sanding rat urine stains out of this floor."

— Ron Swanson.

87. "That's ridiculous. I don't think of you romantically. You're pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare."

— Ron Swanson.

88. "The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor. Pass."

— Ron Swanson.

89. "Diane Lewis: Am I interrupting something important?

Ron Swanson: Impossible. I work for the government."

— Ron Swanson.

90. "I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist."

— Ron Swanson.

91. "My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke."

— Ron Swanson.

92. "Just let business be business and government be government."

— Ron Swanson.

93.  "The government should not prop up a failed business. That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt."

— Ron Swanson.

94. "Government is inefficient and should be dissolved."

— Ron Swanson.

95. "I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government - even saying it feels dirty."

— Ron Swanson.

Short Ron Swanson Quotes From Parks And Rec

Some of the very best short quotes from Ron Swanson.

96. "What in God's name is freegan-vegan?"

— Ron Swanson.

97. "I'm just gonna stay angry, I find that relaxes me."

— Ron Swanson.

98. "There is only one bad word: taxes."

— Ron Swanson.

99. "Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that."

— Ron Swanson.

100. "I'm not interested in caring about people."

— Ron Swanson.

101. "Leslie, no. We don't negotiate with weirdos."

— Ron Swanson.

102. "Child Labor laws are ruining this country."

— Ron Swanson.

103. "Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor."

— Ron Swanson.

104. "I like saying 'no.' It lowers their enthusiasm."

— Ron Swanson.

105. "Honor: If you need it defined. You don't have it."

— Ron Swanson.

106. "Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely."

— Ron Swanson.

107. "Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie."

— Ron Swanson.

108. "People are idiots, Leslie."

— Ron Swanson.

109. "Round up whoever's free. I'm going to need more Ron Swansons."

— Ron Swanson.

110. "We have one activity planned: not getting killed."

— Ron Swanson.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Ron Swanson quotes, then why not take a look at Andy Dwyer quotes or April Ludgate quotes.

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Source: https://kidadl.com/quotes/best-ron-swanson-quotes-from-parks-and-recreation

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